By popular request, the rest and end of my near death experience…
16h00: I’m in a taxi to Roissy.
17h00: 69 euros for a Porte d’Italie – Roissy trip. 450 francs.
17h01: I’ve made up my mind, after quitting my dangerous job, I’ll become a taxi driver.
17h05: I’m in Roissy. It feels as if someone were squeezing hard in my chest. I take directly two quarters of a Lexomil.
17h07: It doesn’t have any effect. I have difficulty breathing. I’m scared.
17h12: I take another quarter.
17h24: I register my luggage. I’m told all liquid must be gathered in a see-through bag. In relation with the fact that you can make a bomb with a tube of toothpaste. It’s crazy how our liberties are restricted little by little. This clampdown climate is unbearable.
17h30: On the other hand, I’m wondering if I shouldn’t highlight that the man over there, with Middle East origins, has a weird behavior. He keeps READING his newspaper.
17h32: Marine Le Pen [1] please leave my body.
17h45: I go through the metal detection. I’m against denunciation but I can’t pretend I didn’t see the old lady before me INTENTIONALLY forgot to remove her belt when we were EXPLICITLY asked to do so. If everyone doesn’t put their shoulder to the wheel, don’t be surprised if in one hour we’ll be throwing ourselves against Montparnasse tower.
17h46: I’d love an explanation on why this young, very vulgar, girl deserved a close frisking with this handsome security agent when for me it was Gertrud whom I got stuck with it.
17h50: That’s it, I’m in the boarding area. I buy a huge Toblerone bar. I haven’t eaten Toblerone in ten years. When you’re about to die, you go crazy.
17h52: Toblerone rocks. I’m wondering if they chuck down Lexomil in it. I’m not scared anymore.
17h55: I’ve finished my Toblerone. I’m scared again. Moreover, if I survive, I’ll have put on one kilo. It’s too late now anyway, I’ll have another one.
18h40: “Passengers on flight Air One 675 to Turin are invited to proceed to gate 10 for boarding”.
18h42: I’ve eaten an overdose of Toblerone, I can’t stand up. I can’t find gate 10.
18h45: I painfully manage to show my passport and my boarding pass. I point out to the hostess that it’s dark outside. She answers she noticed. Right, the information visibly takes time to reach her brain. It is DARK damn it. She gives me back my passport and invites me to move forward. Too bad, I gave it a try at least.
18h47: I’m entering my coffin. “Buongiorno” says a silly looking steward. I feel like hitting him. It must be a bad trip from Toblerone.
18h50: A hostess shows us how to use safety jacket. I take notes.
18h52: No offense but no one is listening to the hostess.
18h53: They do what they want but I’m sure if we crash in the Atlantic Ocean in one hour, we won’t be many survivors. In any case, once we’ll be in the water, don’t count on me to explain how the jacket works. It will be every man for himself, I’m warning you. Especially that whole kit looks complicated to operate. I barely dare to picture what it will be like in full panic mode.
19h00: “Ready for take off” [2].
19h01: I can’t believe this, there’s a guy listening to something with his headphones when we’re about to take-off. Although Captain warned us, not even two minutes ago, it’s STRICTLY prohibited.
19h03: I’m so close to Petain’s[3] method right now that I inform the hostess immediately.
19h04: It’s a hearing aid.
19h06: Right but with me, no details are left out.
19h07: The plane rush forward on the runway. I feel like I am propelled at 300km per hour. I’ve taken so many Lexomil that I’m super scared but my heart beats very very slowly. I’m going to die, not even because of the plane. With my luck, I’m reacting to the mix Toblerone, anxiolytics.
19h10: We’re taking off. I have 300 tons on my stomach. This is the end.
19h15: I open my eyes, I’m still alive. Through the windows I see Paris’ lights. And the Eiffel Tower too. I might die but I had never seen something so beautiful.
19h20: I feel super brave. I’m an adventurer. I’m Florence Aubenas[4].
19h40. I’ve just recovered from take-off and here come turbulences.
19h41: I put myself in brace position.
19h45: I explain to my neighbor that I use that position in case of emergency landing.
19h46: I explain to my neighbor that if, for him, the fact that there are never any survivors in case of crash makes plane the safest transport mode in the world, it’s HIS problem.
19h48: The hostess looks super stressed. Something is happening, it’s for sure. She pretends all is fine but I’m no fool.
20h00: I take my IPod and play Marc Lavoine. If I have to die, I want to die with him.
20h12: The hostess shakes me violently. We are in landing phase and, apparently, with my IPod I’m putting the whole plane at risk.
20h13: The man with a hearing aid throws me a nasty look.
20h20: I don’t see how the pilot can plan to land in two minutes when we are a few meters above the ground and faster than 450km/h. We are going to die this time, it’s for sure.
20h22: We bounce on the tarmac. I brake like crazy with my armrests.
20h23: It’s an unexpected miracle: we’re in one piece. And tomorrow I’ll do this again to come back. I hope they sell Toblerone in Turin…
[1] TN: Extreme right party leader
[2] TN: In English in the original text
[3] TN: Petain was a French general who reached the distinction of Marshal of France, and was later Chief of State of Vichy France (Chef de l’État Français), from 1940 to 1944. In modern France he is remembered as an ambiguous figure, while pétainisme is a derogatory term for certain reactionary policies. Source : Wikipedia.
[4] TN: Florence Aubenas is a French journalist, who worked until 2006 for the French newspaper Libération. She was taken hostage on January 5, 2005, in Iraq along with her translator Hussein Hanoun Al-Saadi. Source: Wikipedia.
