Right, it’s a fairly open secret, that’s it, I’m a Miss. Miss Canalblog. And not ‘analblog’ as I inopportunely wrote to a friend yesterday. X rated articles start to go to my head, or a bit lower maybe. In short, there you go, this time it’s for sure, I am famous[1].Wooooooow… I can tell you, since nominations, I’m ecstatic. I’ve been through several states, close to Ohio. Wanna read about it?
A Tuesday at the end of January
14h00: I receive an email warning me I’m part of the three finalists for Miss Canalblog competition. I’m super surprised, it’s incredible, people visited my site and they voted me in without even me knowing.
14h01: Ok, I confess, one week ago I saw a classified ad on Canalblog’s website calling all volunteers to come forward to take part in the competition.
14h02: I answered to this ad.
14h03: Five times.
14h04: With my account number and a picture of me half-naked.
14h05: Nevertheless, I’m amongst the three finalists. When we were at least 2000 to apply.
14h07: Alright, 126.
14h12: I’m really happy to be nominated. It’s a victory in itself. For that matter, I don’t care if I am the winner. Wanting to win at any price is so vulgar, I think. It’s the taking part that counts. On top of that, other candidates seem really nice, so, them or me, same difference!
14h15: Actually, only taking part sucks big time.
14h17: “Mr. Organiser of Miss Canalblog competition. You don’t know me but please be informed that Ms X and Ms Y, two finalists of the competition, have weird habits and are allegedly using their blog for rather shady purposes. It would be a huge mistake to select them. Caroline from ‘Pensees de Ronde’[2], who, on the other hand is an extraordinary woman as well as an amazing lover.” Signature: An anonymous person who wants your own good.
14h18: Even if I want to win, I prefer not telling anyone about my nomination. That is so me. On one side I take part in this competition and on the other I hate being in the spotlight. I think that, actually, I want to keep this victory to myself. It will be my own private world.
14h34: Alright but modesty is like losing, it sucks. And it will earn me no vote.
14h36: “My dear readers, thanks to an incredible combination of factors, I’ve been nominated for a small unimportant competition. If you have five minutes, you can even vote for me.
PS: I’ll pay you.”
The next day
08h03: I start to realise little by little the weight of responsibilities meant by such a nomination. Being is a miss is something and I know I will have to represent a whole people without ever deceiving it. From today onwards, I will stay away from alcohol and all other vices. You have to know what you want. And I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be a miss.
09h00: The man wakes up with a huge huge… desire. He is all over me right away.
09h02: I explain it isn’t possible and I just kissed all vices goodbye.
09h03: I confirm to the man, blowjob too is a vice.
09h12: No but it’s true. Being a miss entails being chaste during the whole year after the election. By the way, when I’ll be on TV, I’ll say I’m single. I’m not ashamed of the man or my kids. But a miss must make people dream. And an almost married miss with 2 children is not the stuff of dreams.
09h12: The man says if I lie about the children, he’ll tell Geneviève de Fontenay [3] I sometimes give blowjobs.
09h23: I have to put my chastity aside for ten minutes in order to buy the man’s silence. Being a Miss is also about making concessions.
09h34: The man has me promise never to make any concession to Jean-Pierre Foucault [4].
10h00: I’m wondering if I already have a lot of votes.
10h02: When I think of my daughter, I tell myself I’ll give her a nice example of femininity.
10h05: On the other hand, it will be hard for her to rival perfection made woman. If I were a true perfect mum, I’d drop that whole question not to threaten her future blossoming.
10h07: Good thing is I’ve never pretended to be a perfect mother. Anyway life is a jungle. Protecting your children does not do them a favor, believe me.
A few days later…
Thursday
06h00: Verdict is given today. But I’ve been waiting for so long, I don’t give damn. No way I’m getting up earlier to check if I’ve won.
06h12: Oh well, 6h00, 8h00, it’s really close.
06h23: It’s amazing how I don’t care. To such an extent that I’m currently switching on my computer but I could do something completely different, given how relaxed I am.
06h24: If Internet doesn’t work within ten second I’ll make that fucking provider eat its modem.
06h25: Either I suffer from a start of Parkinson disease or I actually care.
06h26: It’s like Bac’s[5] results. I want and don’t want to check at the same time.
06h27: If I’m not elected, shame on me and all my descendants. I shouldn’t have told the 213 persons I know about this competition. Plus two millions blog readers. But I’m a big girl. If it’s not me, I’ll be just fine.
06h28: I can’t believe this. It’s incredible. Something crazy is happening to me. It’s as if Earth stopped turning. I’ve been elected. Victory is like a shoot of chocolate, damn it.
06h29: When I think about it, my two competitors were really nice indeed. And their blogs are as good as mine. Not far at least. I’m so sorry for them. For that matter, it makes my success a bit ridiculous. I could almost give them my title.
06h30: They can die.
Edit: More seriously, thank you for voting for me, thanks to Transs, who organized everything and who stayed hard-nosed about my bribing attempts and of course congratulation to ‘Mister’ Canalblog Judark. Last but not least, congratulations to my two competitors Emilie and Fred, whose blogs truly deserve a visit. Girls, I won’t give you my title but the thought is there.
[1] TN: in English in the original text
[2] TN: Former name of the blog
[3] TN: former president of the Committees Miss France and Miss Europe
[4] TN: Famous TV presenter who hosted for year the Miss France election show
[5] TN: Bac, short for Baccalaureat, is the exam student have to pass to graduate high-school in France.
