There’s a little something I want to tell you about, a little something that of course I’m delighted with. Wanna read about it?
A day in October 2006
18h00: A new mail in my mail-box. “Good day, I am a publisher for Hachette and Helene from ‘Mon Blog de Fille’ advised me to take a look at your blog. What I read there makes me think you could be the type of author we are looking for, for a new book collection. Should you be interested, please contact me.”
18h02: I’m hyperventilating.
18h03: I’m doing ‘choo-choo’ train breathing but it doesn’t go away. I’m going to die on the eve of my career as a writer, it’s really sad.
18h10: After several abdominal breathing exercises, a Lexomil and a glass of Calvados, I get a grip on myself.
18h15: I’ve just been contacted to write a book.
18h16: I want to marry Hélène.
18h18: I look at my kids playing in front of me. They are still ignorant of it but they are descendants of a writer. So much pressure on their frail shoulders and at the same time what a chance for them…
18h19: I announce to the man, with tears in my eyes, that I’m on the eve of an amazing career.
18h20: The man answers that if it’s the same drama as for the radio interview he’ll leave me right away.
18h23: I’ve been stricken by the obvious. I can’t be a writer and live in the 13th arrondissement. I inform the man that I need a studio flat in Saint Germain Des Prés in order to isolate myself. It’s a matter of inspiration but also credibility. After seeing how stunned the man look, I pointed out that I would be surprised if Anna Gavalda was living above Tang Bros[1]. Hu!
18h30: I don’t know why but I feel I must go to the Flore right now, otherwise I’ll feel bad. I guess I’m learning the hard way.
19h00: Writer’s block is starting to choke me.
19h12: Since they are screaming like slaughtered animals, I guess my children are more stressed by their empty plates.
19h14: I don’t think you can be a mother, spouse and writer at the same time.
19h16: The man confirms his doubts on me assuming the three jobs.
19h22: I realise with terror I’m willing to let go of my family for Hachette.
19h30: I decide to start writing the story of my life right now. I can feel I’m going to shake up the quiet world of edition.
20h00: I ask the man if he prefers San Fransisco or Nassau for our holidays.
20h30: The man reminds me I haven’t even written one line and we are two rents behind.
20h32: The man doubts Prix Femina [2] is lucrative enough to cross the Atlantic Ocean with 4 persons.
20h34: I don’t see why the four of us would go since we’ll have an English nanny at home to take care of the kids.
20h36: I explain it is primordial for our children to speak a perfect English, given that one day we’ll live in New York, in order to remain anonymous.
20h40: The man announces he won’t be able to take on his role as a father and as famous writer’s husband.
20h41: I have to make a concession to put a smile back on his face (for those who don’t know what ‘a concession’ is check this)
20h54: The man finds that finally writer suits me perfectly.
A few days later…
13h00: I run out of work and fly to the Mecca of Mecca: Hachette Livres’ head office.
13h30: Arrival at reception, seeing all those recently published books stirs me deeply. In a few months my baby will sit there too.
13h32: I hope the publisher will see no harm in my life story taking several volumes. I have so much to say, so many cry to let out…
13h35: I enter the office. The two publishers are lovely. I think they are impressed. Maybe more than me. It’s crazy the power writing has on normal people…
13h40: They speak about a new collection. I’m not really listening, I soak up the atmosphere of this place where renowned artists and their creative souls have wandered before me…
13h42: I hear the words “small books”, “girls”, “frivolous”.
13h43: I hear the word “Libido”.
13h44: I hear the words: “Spice up your relationship”, “insolence of tone”, “toning down”.
13h45: I understand I’m being asked to write a book about sex.
13h46: In one volume.
13h47: Fortunately, in fact.
13h48: Forget about the Flore and Saint Germain.
13h50: Right but sex is lucrative, I tell myself. Just check out Sonia and her ducks.
13h52: I say yes because there’s no other option.
13h54: I call the man to explain we can forget about the Flore. I explain I’m not going against my principles even if I’ve said yes. You can write about sex and be subtle. Besides, lots of great writers have started their career writing about sex. Régine Desforges for example.
13h56: The man says he finds it funny and is looking forward to experimenting the advice I will give. We giggle. And I almost sacrificed him on the alter of writing.
13h58: The man calls me back and warns me, if I mention that his penis is too small, he’ll kill me.
The END
Well, long story short, there you go. The information to keep in mind absolutely are:
1 – Hélène is the fairy I mentioned, the one who gave my blog’s address to Hachette and thanks to her I became in one afternoon Mrs Sex for Hachette. Thanks Mam!
2 – Hélène’s book will be out, in the same collection, on the 21st of February. It’s called “Pas besoin de souffrir pour etre belle”[3] and it rocks.
3 – Pomme, is another angel and her book will be out on the same day and titled “ En finir avec les boulets et les empoisonneurs” [4]. It should interest a few of you, given there are drags… everywhere !
5 – My book, titled “Libido en berne ? Pimentez votre couple”[5], will be out later, on the 15th of April.
6 – The collection is called “Nous ne sommes pas des courges”[6]. These small books are for women and aim to make us smile and think about futile and important subjects.
7 – The man doesn’t have a small penis, it was only to have a funny punch line.
8 – When you’ll be reading those lines, the longest post ever actually, sorry, I will most probably be dying beaten by a man with a huge penis.
[1] TN: the 13th arrondissement is known as Paris’ China town.
[2] TN: The Prix Femina is a French literary prize created in 1904 by 22 writers for the magazine La Vie heureuse (today known as Femina). Source: Wkikipedia
[3] TN: No need to suffer to be pretty
[4] TN: Getting rid of drags and pests
[5] TN: Libido down? Spice up your relationship
[6] TN: We are no idiots
