San ku kai at Ban Sabai

P1010267Last Thursday my friend Maud sent me a text: “What about a Thai massage despite this crappy weather?”

I say, you have the friends you deserve. The kind you haven’t seen for two years because of the notorious “We’re really too stupid” and the frequent “Our lives are so crazy” but who calls you just like that to suggest a Thai massage.

So, of course, I replied just like any normal woman would do.

“I’m totally in”.

Then, I had to calm the churros down as he didn’t really know where to start in terms of his fantasies. Will the therapist touch my boobs? Will I touch Maud’s? Or will I touch mine while watching the therapist touch Maud’s? Or… Ok.

Long story short, I left, lighthearted to see my friend again and very excited with the prospect of being pampered for one hour in an apparently acclaimed spa.

The rest is slightly… tougher.

18h: I arrive in front of Ban Sabai. In the 16th arrondissement, say what you like but it smells money so much that one could think it grows on trees.

18h02: My friend Maud arrives. I’d like to understand how come some woman still grow after legal age.

18h05: After a big hug, we walk inside the spa. It smells oils and luxury. A dozen of superb women welcome us with deference and greet “Miss Maud”. I love the idea to be with a regular. The way she chooses her friends defines a woman. Already you feel respected.

18h06: “We’ll start the massages straight away, kindly follow-us”, Ling and Ping (names have been changed) explain.

18h08: We settle in a room made of teak, bamboo and candles. Two king size beds are next to each other. I’m filled with emotion thinking of what the churros is missing. Especially now that Maud is already wearing only her panties.

18h09: My friend Maud’s put her massage kimono on in three seconds. You can see she’s a pro.

18h11: I just realised the bottom is actually the top. I’ve put it on the wrong way round.

18h13: Not sure if the style of David Douillet[1] would make the churros fantasize actually.

18h14: Here come our therapists. Mine must be 1m55 and weight as much as one of my thighs. Somehow I feel better especially as Maud just told me innocently that Thai massages are like no others. “It’s a bit as if somebody was gyming on your behalf, you see?”

18h15: I’m not so sure I see but the idea of gyming by proxy sounds appealing.

18h16: Ling asks if I’m used to Thai massages and if I want the pressure to be light, medium or strong.

18h17: “Do as usual”, I answer. My friend Maud just asked for strong and I’d rather die than look like a sissy. Especially as, without meaning to brag, I’m quite tough. No merit, it’s a matter of personality. Some resist pain better than others. No, I wouldn’t go as far as courage, but that said…

18h18: Ling interrupts my thoughts with a weird little laugh and she says she’s not sure she should do as usual if it’s my first time.

18h19: If I were of the suspicious kind, I would say she’s pulling my leg. And I’m actually of the suspicious kind. Come on Ling, show me what you’re capable of. In case you didn’t notice, you don’t even come up to my waist line. And it took me 14h, 7 of which without epidural, to laboriously reach a dilation of 9cm. And then it stopped so that I can enjoy two childbirths in one: vaginal delivery AND emergency c-section. Since that time, NOTHING scares me sweetie.

18h20: Ling begins with washing my feet. I thank god I came with new shoes.

18h21: Ling wipes my feet. Vigorously.

18h22: Ling might be THE solution for smelly feet. Even if ripping off your feet soles could be a bit drastic.

18h23: My friend Maud has a weird smile.

18h24: A question comes to my mind. Why already didn’t we see each other for two years?

18h25: Ling warns me she’s about to start. I actually thought we’ve already got to the heart of the matter.

18h26: She cracks my toes.

18h27: Ling seems to take personally the fact that my big toe refuses to crack.

18h28: Ling gets to grips with my calves. That are definitely not erogenous zones.

18h29: Ling digs her fingers behind my left knee and says she’s taking it easy because she can feel my resistance.

18h30: The fact that taking it easy means for Ling grabbing my knee cap from the back of my knee doesn’t sound good to me.

18h31: Ling pulls my leg with a snap and let it fall back on the bed. She does it thrice. I am not 100% sure, but she seems upset that my leg is still linked to the rest of my body.

18h32: Anyway, it’s the only explanation I see for the fact that my right foot is now behind my left ear and my knee against my shoulder blade. I start right away a mindfulness exercise and visualize my pain.

18h33: I’m making incredible progress with mindfulness. I can see my pain so precisely. I could cry. I fact I’m crying.

18h34: I’d like to ask Ling where she studied osteopathy but something holds me back.

18h35: Her foot, precisely. That is right now crushing my plexus, making each breath problematic.

18h36: All those things we say on the fact that it is impossible for a human being to touch its bum with its nose are totally wrong. However, it comes with a few uncomfortable sensations. On the other hand, if I were a man I would be doing myself a blowjob. Or even…

18h37: While I execute – against my will – a figure that reminds me of a Kamasutra position. Maud moans slightly from pleasure. Ping is gently touching her neck and it looks really enjoyable.

18h38: Now I remember. 1995, Paul and Béa’s wedding. A kenzo scarf. I think I never gave it back to her. I clearly underestimated her attachment for that scarf. That’s how you end up fifteen year later brought down by the love child of Mike Tyson and Jackie Chan.

18h39: I solemnly promise myself I will never reply « Yes » to an SMS coming from someone I haven’t seen in more than two years.

18h40: Ling puts me on my back, spreads my legs, crouches next to my perineum and is about to massage my tummy.

18h41: I feel that torture is over, now she will only energetically stroke my abdomen. That might stimulate my lazy bowel movement. Good news, in any case, is that there are no joint to crack in the belly.

18h42: Bad news is that there are vital organs to crush.

18h43: Let’s hope it was my gold bladder, which she moved by a good ten centimeters. I’m almost sure you can live without a gold bladder.

18h45: I never thought I could feel like I’m about to puke my IUD.

18h46: Come on Ling, enjoy my floating ribs. We’re close to pneumothorax, that said. No offence, right!

18h48: Ling asks me to sit up.

18h49: That’s my call, Ling, my call.

18h50: I sit up and try to show her that my body could be under her influence despite how tiny she is but that I kept my free will. But not my motor functions. Ling has to help me rise.

18h51: My friend Maud says she is a bit cold.

18h52: Poor thing. Fuck, let Ling take care of you for five minutes and you’ll never be cold, believe me. Neither hot actually. Nor hungry, nor thirsty. Right, I can’t feel my tongue anymore and I’m not sure I didn’t soil myself.

18h53: My friend Maud finds the heater is too noisy, it disturbs her relaxation.

18h54: I send tearful looks to my friend Maud for her to stop provoking these two mad Asians.

18h55: I’m wasting my time. Right when she asks for a blanket and for the heater to be turned off, Ling lifts me from behind and throws me literally two meters above the bed.

18h56: Ok, where is that fucking camera?

18h57: I swear Maud, I never EVER meant to STEAL your scarf.

18h58: “Relax, if you don’t relax, the manipulation I’m about to do can be dangerous”.

18h59: I shouldn’t have told her before she started that my neck is fragile.

19h00: It’s a basic rule. Don’t reveal your weak points to your persecutor, under no circumstances.

19h01: Have mercy, I beg you, leave me alone [2], I moan. I have a saving account, I add in a pathetic attempt to wheedle her.

19h02: Obviously I just broke her honor code. Thais take bribing stuff very seriously. Lings looks as determined as ever. She comes behind me, place her arms below mine and turn my chest by 90° with a span.

19h03: In the heat of the action, a slat of the bed just broke, it made such a huge “crack” noise. In your face, Ling, I will personally make sure it is taken from your salary.

19h04: Ah, it seems that in reality the noise was my third vertebra breaking. I am paralyzed from the chin downwards.

19h05: “Your body still needs massage” says Ling, with an irrevocable tone.

19h07: The only thing my body needs is a stretcher. Or even, a coffin.

19h08: The session is almost over, we finish with face modeling.

19h09: I’m beyond fear. I don’t want to end up with circumflex brows after a manip gone wrong.

19h10: It appears that if you press a specific point on someone’s temples, you can kill with one finger.

19h11: I had never imagined that my being in labor would look like a walk in the park thanks to a Thai massage.

19h12: “They also do waxing and a whole lot of treatments” Maud tells me while Ling tries to drawn me with liters of aloe vera cream.

19h14: There must be something else than this scarf stuff. But what?

19h15: Ling and Ping announce that they are done and leave, obviously pleased with their work. Maud is disappointed by Ping, she founds her too soft.

19h16: I wish I could reply but I’m falling apart. I cry like a newborn.

19h18: Maud gives me hug and we touch our boobs.

19h21: I can feel my boobs. All is not lost. With some luck, I can still control my sphincters.

19h45: After a strong mojito, I manage to finally pronounce a proper sentence. And by some miracle, I feel totally and unconditionally relax.

23h09: My friend Maud drops me off if front of my place. We promise we’ll see each other soon. Maud mentions an amazing Thai-chi class in Neuilly.

23h12: I go home in double-quick time claiming I need the loo and rush to my closet. I HAVE TO find that fucking scarf. My LIFE is at stake.

Edit: in reality, this spa is awesome and makes you want to live there permanently. Still, it seems my therapist was slightly on edge. And I should have asked her to take it easy. In reality too, my friend Maud is not mad with me for anything. Well… I think. And I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart for this thoughtful gesture. However, next time, we go to a hammam. No exfoliation, no massage. Thanks.

Edit2: My friend Maud is the kind who organises, together with my friend Chloé, my bachelorette party. And she managed to put on a table everything that makes me reach seventh heaven in life. I also like the fact that there always are mint leaves in her water carafe. And a whole lot of other stuffs that make her a role model for me. Except for massages however.

Edit3: Did you really think I was going to put a picture of me doing the Ukrainian wheelbarrow in a kimono?


[1] TN: David Douillet is a very famous French judoka. He is now retired and won the judo heavyweight gold medals in the 1996 and 2000 Olympic Games.

[2] TN: In English in the original text

Your comment

  • (will not be published)

Allowed HTML tags.: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>