Well, well, well… That much talked about day when I bought my ‘Sonia’ – I’ll call it like that, it’s nicer than vibrator – here is how it went…
13h30: It’s lunch time. Today is a colleague’s birthday and I had the crazy idea to give her, as a joke – yeah right! – a pink vibrating duck from Sonia’s as it is classier than going to a sex shop.
13h31: My colleagues who were supposed to come along step aside at the last minute, it’s too weird to buy something like this.
13h32: I might as well admit it right now, the idea of a sexy gift was mine.
13h33: I didn’t know I was on the divan, but right, it’s an excuse to buy one for myself.
13h45: Boulevard Saint-Germain, Paris 6ème, Sonia Rykiel’s shop’s front window is entirely black, I’m very impressed.
13h50: After walking by innocently five times, I finally enter. The bellboy looks at me with obvious contempt.
13h52: I sink in a ten centimeter thick carpet. There are at least ten assistants – one of them looks like Gwyneth Paltrow – and two customers speaking American.
13h53: I have a discreet look at the shelves but see no ducks. I think I’ve read somewhere that the sex toys section is upstairs.
13h54: After checking, there are no stairs going up, only one going down.
13h55: It would be simpler to ask but right now I don’t feel super liberated anymore. I sneak down the spiral staircase.
13h56: “Miiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssss???”. Shit, Gwyneth busted me. “May I help you? This section of the shop is not open to customers, kindly come up “.
13h57: “Ah, hum… yes, I… I was looking for the… I mean… Actually I’d like to buy one of your… one of your ducks…”
13h58: I’m in one of the most chic shop in the capital city, facing Gwyneth Paltrow and I just said I want to buy ‘a duck’. I’m mortified.
13h59: I can’t help it, with this 10.000 euros per square meter carpet, paneling, glitter dresses and two meter high assistants, the word ‘vibrator’ can’t pass my lips.
14h00: Appalled, Gwyneth gives me half a smile I wouldn’t mark as warm. “You mean our sex-toooooooys? I’m sorry but you’re mistaken, our specialised section is two street away, exactly in ‘de Greneeeeeeeelle’ street, miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssss ”
14h01: I asked for ‘a duck’. Later I’ll be remembered as the chick who went to a Madonna concert wearing Birkenstock and who asks for ‘a duck’ at Sonia Rykiel’s.
14h02: I apologise to my children, it’s the type of shame that leaves a mark on several generations.
14h03: I get out the hell of there without further ado.
14h10: De Grenelle street. Rykiel front window, must be it. I enter, there are only shoes, no stairs.
Fuck, they hide them well those ‘sex-toooooooys’. This time Gwyneth is a brunette but she’s the same. In an embarrassed whisper, for the respectable grand-mother busy trying on magnificent 300 euros Richelieux not to hear me, I ask where the sex-toys are.
14h11: Gwyneth n°2 smiles kindly. We recognized each other, we speak the same language, I’m not one of those gooses who ask for ‘a duck’.
14h12: Here it’s Rykiel shoes, explains my new friend. For sex-toys, it’s further down the street.
14h13: I realise Sonia Rykiel owes the whole de Grenelle street. Ducks bring cash in!
14h16: This time, it’s the right shop. I enter without checking. I’ve had enough, I’m overshooting my lunch break and I’m exhausted. I decide to be really liberated and shout, with my stentorian voice, an echoing: “Good day, can you please show me your VIBRATORS?”.
14h17: I’m at Rykiel Baby.
14h19: On my way out, I get a glimpse, between two completely outraged mothers and a horrified Gwyneth – isn’t it a bit worrying all those Gwyneth? – of a 110 euros baby bodysuit.
14h20: I’m wondering how many sex toys you can buy with 110 euros.
14h21: I’ve had my fill of ridicule for the next ten years. Too bad, I’ll continue giggling in front of page 456 of La Redoute catalogue. I will NEVER find out if it actually smoothes out the cheeks.
14h22: The window doesn’t give any doubt, purple suspender belts, lace nightdresses, pink and glittering masks, silky cashmere wrap-over tops, it can be only here. The shop’s name confirms it, “Rykiel Karma Body and Soul”. If I can’t make a legionnaire blush with the articles in there, I’ll be hanged.
14h23: I’m aware I’m putting my employer in a difficult situation, he must have been waiting for me for twenty minutes already but I can’t help it. I want my duck.
14h24: Hooray, no Gwyneth.
14h25: Her friend Naomi is replacing her.
To be continued…
