So I went to the swimming pool on Monday evening. My body remembers and the first one to tell me « breaststroke is useless » gets a good slap across the face. As promised, I took notes during that glorious hour. Let’s go? If you love me, dive with me.
8h00: I am about to leave my place and go to work.
8h05: Fuck, that’s right, tonight I’m going to the swimming pool.
8h10: After knocking over my panties drawer, the dirty laundry bag and the man’s underpants drawer I end up finding my old swimsuit in the entrance (???) closet.
8h15: After emptying the closet, the kids’ underwear drawers and my bras drawer, I end up finding, at the bottom of the laundry bag (???), my swimming cap.
10h00: Everybody at work knows I am going to the swimming-pool tonight.
11h00: I end up being told that there is nothing special about going to the swimming-pool.
11h15: Apparently my swimming-pool is the one where Juliette Binoche was swimming in “Blue”.
11h16: A female colleague tells me that this swimming-pool is meant for good swimmers, if you don’t swim fast enough you get beaten.
11h20: A male colleague tells me that this swimming-pool is where old ladies come to chit-chat in the water, that it’s awful for good swimmers and that often he feels like beating those ladies.
11h22: What a strange idea to choose a place where YOU WEAR A SWIMMING CAP to chat.
11h23: I decide not to listen to my colleagues anymore and make my own mind.
15h00: I’m so happy to go to the swimming-pool tonight, it will do me good.
15h10: I call my friend to tell her I’m so happy to be going to the swimming-pool tonight.
15h12: My friend tells me she prepared an aqua gym program.
15h13: I’m wondering if she’s the right person to go to the swimming-pool with.
18h00: In one hour, I’m going to the swimming-pool.
18h15: I don’t want to go anymore, but I don’t dare to call my friend. I fear she’ll be mad at me.
18h16: I bravely send a text.
18h50: The man calls me to let me know how proud he is that I’m going to the swimming-pool.
18h52: “found my bag, wait 4 me, Im comin”
19h00: We meet in front of the swimming-pool. I didn’t remember how tall my friend is.
19h10: My friend is really nice she bought a nylon cap for me. It looks like an underpants but doesn’t hurt your hair.
19h15: I just won my fight with my suit. I’m already out of breath.
19h16: This swimming-pool is just as nice as in “Blue”, with an extra crowd and a few more swimming caps. I am Juliette Binoche. But blond. With a cap.
19h17: We enter the water with our underpants on our head. My friend gives me a small foam board. “The important part is leg kicks” she explains. Breaststroke is useless.
19h18: I grab my board and set forth.
19h23: There must be something I’m doing wrong.
19h25: I’m not moving, fuck.
19h29: I keep the board but do frog kicks. When I pass my friend, I do normal kicks. Luckily, it is fast. Well, she is fast.
19h32: My friend busted me. I explain that I’m not moving when I simply kick. « You must straighten your legs more », she says.
19h33: oh, alright.
19h34: At the same time if I straighten more, it will cost me a kneecap.
19h40: We do a two minutes break. I’ve swam 4 lengths. I’m super proud.
19h41: « We’re going for one k right? » my friend asks.
19h42: « Yeah, great – it’s good to have an objective, so I tell myself – how many lengths? I did four already, I must be quite close by now»
19h43: « Another 36 and you’re done »
19h44: She is so funny, my friend, it’s cool to go swimming with her, we don’t stop laughing.
19h45: She is not joking actually.
19h46: I’m desperately kicking while counting in my head. She must be crap at math and cause of a stupid group of tens error, we are now going for ten ks in this fucking swimming-pool.
19h48: 40 times 25 meter, whatever calculation method you use, gives one kilometer.
20h00: 28 left.
20h02: My friend won’t stop passing me. She annoys me so much. On top of that she is pretty, even with the cap.
20h05: I can’t believe it, a guy just hit me.
20h06: « Sorry? What? Four times? What four times? I’ve kicked you four times? I, I am, glug glug glug… sorry, burps, pfffhheuurs »
20h08: Lucky draw, one psychopath in the pool and he’s for me.
20h10: “Come on, only 14 left!”, my friend shouts. She has a sadistic smile.
20h12: however hard I think about it, I can’t find a moment when I was mean to her. However there must be an explanation to the fact that she wants to kill me.
20h14: I’ve done 35.
20h15: Yes, that’s right, the 30th was worth three.
20h16: Ok, the 24th too.
20h18: Hey no, not the 27th. Sorry but when I cheat, I tell and for that one I didn’t.
20h31: The swimming-pool closes, we must get out.
20h32: I’ll do forty, even if I must die. No one will stop me.
20h33: Foooooooooooooooooooorty. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
20h34: I’m the last one in the pool. I can’t breathe, my hair is all over the place and one of my boobs is clearing off.
20h35: My legs want to keep swimming, so it seems.
20h36: Not very handy to walk.
20h38: Three more frog kicks and I reach the changing room.
20h40: I put my clothes back on, I’m cold, my jeans are sticking to my legs.
20h41: Shit… my sock is soaked, but I was so careful.
20h42: Normal, it’s my swimming cap.
20h43: I can’t stop giggling.
20h44: I’m wasted.
20h45: I’m stoned from chlorine, it’s the only explanation.
20h50: I’m lounging in the underground. I swam one kilometer. Yeah, ok, if you remove triple-words it comes down to about 600 meters. But still!