The pullover dress

robepullI guess no one missed the fact that this winter’s killing hype accessory is the pullover dress. In the first place, I was glad. Why? Because, sincerely, for the past six months it was bermuda shorts and, inevitably, you could count me out. Not really because bermuda shorts reminds me more of boy scouts uniforms than of a sexy outfit but because you can imagine that it’s out of question for me – and even under the knife – to consider exposing my calve, those ones that refuse to fit in any boots.

So, I was saying, pullover dress. Initially, I told myself, ‘pullover dress, easy’. No buttons, no stiff seams, child’s play when you’re curvy. I’ll just have to pick an extra size not to look too stitched in it and this winter, for once, I’ll be in. Thus I started my Grail quest with loads of optimism.

15h00. I take the metro to: Les Halles [1]. I’m going to buy a pullover dress. I feel sexy just thinking about it. I can already picture myself with my riding boots. Emma Peel, just wait for it. The fashion lesson I’ll give you, you won’t get over it.

15h10: At Zara, there are hundreds of very elegant girls and almost as many pullover dresses. If I have to, I’ll kill but I’ll have one too. I want to enter this hyper select club.

15h45. That’s my luck. Queuing for half an hour to try on a common jumper. Thanks to the ill-bred who put it back with the dresses, all this only by laziness of going to the jumper shelf. There’s no more respect.

15h48: My bad, it is a dress. On the hanger it’s a dress. On me it’s a jumper.

15h57: Zara visibly doesn’t fit me. Anyway, all these formatted girls who rush towards those dresses – which aren’t actual dresses – are pathetic and lack personality. Let me go to a more specialized shop.

16h20: I enter C&A.

16h23: This one has horizontal stripes, it’s made for me. It looks like a Rykiel. It’s obviously the 2007 must have. And it’s high time we kill the shameful reputation we’ve always laid on stripes’ back.

16h24: May the one who had the idea of putting stripes on a pullover dress die in atrocious throes.

16h26: Even vertical stripes are a don’t. Listen Sonia, let me tell you, you screw that one up. That’s it, it must be difficult to admit for a great lady like you, but drop the stripes. Focus on ducks.

16h30: I take off in a sweat from Camaïeu. The last style I tried enabled me to notice I have back muffin tops. I think I also counted four breasts which is, obviously, not totally normal.

16h45: At Comptoirs des Cotonniers, they have openwork pullover dresses.

16h50: I try to convince the shop assistant that the dress was that openwork before I tried it on. She is extremely nasty and assures there NEVEEEEEEEEER was openwork under the arms. I look down on her and run out of the shop. Anyway, ‘Comptoirs stuffs’, your clothes, they stink.

17h20: At ‘Zadig et Molière’ pullover dresses cost 450 euros. In a size XL, I’m as comfortable as a sausage wearing a g-string.

18h00: I must have tried 38 pullover dresses on. Scratching wool, frowning jersey, sagging cotton. With or without stripes, shiny bling or very chic mouse grey. Not one, hear me out, not one made me look like something different from a delicatessen product.

18h20: I buy bermuda shorts.

To conclude, the pullover dress is not such a good idea, especially if you have, tick your choice, boobs (especially with horizontal stripes which don’t stay horizontal), a bulging out stomach (pregnancy effect and seated place in the bus guarantied), a big butt (the dress pulls up gracefully over your butt and dangles in the front). Also note that it’s extremely difficult to maintain and, unless spending 500 euros, it pills.

At least bermuda shorts, it’s handy and matches everything

Ok, I’m kidding about bermuda shorts, I just couldn’t find a punch line.

 


[1] TN: big shopping mall in Paris.

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