I don’t have abs, only glutes

Well well well, on Saturday, I took advantage that my parents were in Paris to leave my kids with them and go for a trial session at Club Med gym next door. When I say I couldn’t get up afterwards, it’s only slightly exaggerated. Since then I’m discovering parts of my body I didn’t even know about. Let alone my neck which is now definitely stuck, it apparently replaced my abs for most of the class. The only part that is not aching is my belly. Work that one out for yourself…

Want to read about it?

9h00: I wake up in a possessed state. Today, I’m doing sport. I shake the man to share my decision with him.

9h02: Now that he’s awake he has plenty ideas for physical exercise.

9h04: I rebuff him and explain that I don’t want to waste my energy with a calories inefficient activity.

9h06: I check the timetable for abs & glutes classes at Club Med gym. There’s one at 13h30. That’s it, I’m in. The man too, apparently it’s better when you’re with someone.

9h07: The man doesn’t feel like it.

9h08: I threaten the man to show pix from our latest beach holiday on the TV screen.

9h10: The man makes me swear I’ll empty my memory card and agrees reluctantly.

9h12: The man wants to know when we’ll eat.

9h14: I’m disappointed to see how he doesn’t take a step back when it comes to food. We’ll see, I say.

9h16: The man says he might want to take a step back on our marriage.

9h19: I warn the man that should he call me Davina[1] yet another time I’ll slap him across the face.

13h25: We are late for the abs & glutes class only because Laser Saber has eating disorders and wanted to have fried potatoes before leaving.

13h35: We’re already exhausted when we get to torture room #3. Everyone is already at work, it seems quite serious. The trainer is super well-built. I hide behind a pillar.

13h40: I changed my mind, I want to leave.

13h42: It is confirmed, fried potatoes are not easy to digest.

13h43: The trainer says tighten our abs.

13h45: I can’t find them.

13h47: I am not equipped for abs & glutes.

13h49: However hard I search, I find only the glutes.

13h50: The man has a strange way to straighten his legs. To my mind, he will get a remark from the teacher. Poor thing. Moreover, Mr. Muscle is checking me out so much it’s becoming embarrassing.

13h51: We’re lying on our side and we have to lift a leg a bit like a dog. The idea to come with the man was crap. I will never see him the same way. Neither he actually.

13h52: The word pain doesn’t mean anything anymore.

13h53: I swap an abs & glutes class for twelve childbirths. Without epidural. At least at the end you get a baby as a reward. Here nothing.

13h54: Still, I’m quite proud of myself, I handle things quite well.

13h55: « Not on your back, on your side! Otherwise it’s useless », the teacher yells. How bold is that? On your back to work out your glutes! Why not on a couch? It’s wearing to be pulled down by unables.

13h56: « NOT ON YOUR BACK! »

13h57: No but the worst is that the interested person doesn’t correct her mistake. Shame on her, the teacher has to stop the class to help her get the right position. We’re wasting time here. I’m so pissed off, I was flat out!

13h58: Shit he walks towards the man. Poor thing, he will never get over this humiliation. All his virility is at stake. He will need to be comforted. He sends me desperate looks and tries to make me understand something. I think he says he loves me … or wait… c’mon, you’re so silly, not here I’m not going t… What, hum, who’s pushing me like this?

13h59: Oops, it seems that, by mistake, I didn’t realise I was on my back, my bad.

14h00: At least in that position I wasn’t crying. No because now I just want to make sure it’s not Guantanamo.

14h01: “Stay on your side, my lady in blue over there, don’t roll on your back otherwise you might as well stay home”

14h02: He’s getting on my nerves now. I didn’t ask for personal training.

14h03: “and if you’re struggling, you can follow your neighbor’s example, he manages very well!”

14h04: The man shows off like never, he’s so much on his side that he’s almost on his belly, what a jerk. I can’t stand him anymore.

14h05: “One last series, this time we stay ten seconds on our forearm and we lift our left leg. Then the right.”

14h06: Would he calm down, Ravi Shankar? I didn’t choose a fakir class. Where are the pedalos? I want to ride a pedalo. Good old pedalos, not too complicated, right? My forearm is going to die, for sure.

14h07: The man says I disturb everyone with my sighs.

14h08: “Go fuck yourself, Davina”, I answer.

14h10: The class is over. My marriage too in my opinion.


[1]TN: Veronique and Davina are two fitness trainers, famous for their TV show “Gym Tonic” in the 80s. They are now considered as slightly has-been.

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