Month: November 2009

Yesterday was my first “chocolate” day. Verdict? Knowing I could eat the whole slab radically pacified me. I respected Zermati’s instructions, namely tasting each piece, while taking the time to sit at a table. Well, as I was in a bar, I didn’t go as far as putting the whole slab in a plate as recommended. But I ordered a tea and I really thought of what I was doing, namely eating Milka – I know[1], it’s not the best for purists but I have a big soft spot for the blue cow – completely legally.

At the end of the first bar, light nausea, but not full. The second bar was less good, but still, this ‘taste of wishful come-back’ which we, sweet teeth, all have. Thus, bang, third bar. Plus two pieces for the road.

Result: half of the slab for my meal.

And huge thirst to get rid of this syrupy sensation in the back of my throat, this sugar overdose that irritate tonsils so bad it makes you cough.

Around 17h, I felt slightly hungry, one of my colleague, as thin as a rake and addicted to Swiss breads – an insult to healthy food – brought me a small muesli bread, I indeed wanted only something savory.

In the evening, a good slice of home-made spinach quiche and a piece of cheese on bread and off you go.

What do I retain from this?

That half a slab stayed in my bag for half a day and I didn’t even think of nibbling a piece. I who usually can’t help myself when any product made of more than 2% cocoa is within 1km distance, I FORGOT it was in my Marc Jacobs.

Yeah, I have a Marc Jacobs, I know, it sounds very blond slut to show off but I held onto it for 10 months before sharing my joy here, since it’s my Christmas present from 2008. Furthermore, it’s purple.

However, I’m not going to tell what’s in my Marc Jacobs, because even if I know you must always mismatch a luxury piece to be trendy without ostentation, I’m well aware that there is such a thing as too much mismatch. And no one advises to have, in your Marc Jacob, a dummy, wipes, dried milk from a bottle carried without its cap, mints breeding since six month at the bottom and so on.

End of the aside, today is my second chocolate day. That said, I have doubt as for the possibility to go on in unfazed conditions. No I mention it just like that but after Helmut vomiting 37 times during the bus trip Chatelet – Maison Blanche on Sunday, it’s Darling who has covered her wall for the whole night. According to my calculations, Thingy should barf on his teacher around 16h. The man is planned for Wednesday. As for me, with my crappy karma, I bet on the rear of the pack, on Friday, one or two hours before boarding to London.

Hey, didn’t I tell you? Next week-end, we are going to London for two days with my dear husband, Zaz and her tall Frédé.

Edit: I must be the only blogger going to London without being invited and thus paying for Eurostar and hotel nights. That takes nothing away from my excitement… to sleep for two night without hearing Helmut crying for her 5a.m. bottle. Actually, Cergy Pontoise would maybe have done the trick.

Edit 2: No, Helmut doesn’t sleep through the nights. Well, she did, I think. For about three weeks. She tries to beat a record I guess.

Edit 3: I have a feeling all this is disjointed, isn’t it?

Edit 4: Ok I have a Marc Jacobs AND I’m going to London, which make a detestable girl of me. But since one month all my family members have flu and stomach bug, it makes up for it, doesn’t it?

Edit 5: When I think I didn’t know what to write today.

Edit 6: Ok, I’m showing the inside of my bag, it’s a therapy. Shame inside me is supposed to help me fight my messiness.

Edit 7: It’s also to show the lining I love with luv. Green panther. From anyone else than Marc it’s kind of slutty. And there… it isn’t. Or maybe it is.

— There are some people who can eat cake as a snack simply to content their sweet tooth or because they need comfort and they don’t put on weight.

— It’s too unfair I get one extra bra size simply by looking at the cream puff.

— Eh. Why, in your opinion, some don’t put on weight even if they snack and some do?

— Hum… Because bitch mother nature?

— There we go, you are victim of a genetic conspiracy, maybe you even are Martian, aren’t you?

— You can laugh, it’s all fun and games. All I know is that all I eat makes me put on weight. When my friend Béa, for example, she has always been able to eat her own weight in chocolate and nothing moves. So if that’s not a proof, I’m willing to eat my bag.

This cordial and relaxed exchange happened during my last appointment, last Thursday, with mister Zermati. Who finally gave me the explanation for this scandal of which some of us are victims.

Why some can eat plenty pastries without any collateral damages and some others put on weight with a fat free yogurt?

Well simply because, those persons who don’t put on weight despite a good snack are regulated. Mister Z. means that those blessed people are actually capable of skipping a meal with no problem, simply because they are not hungry, because they had an apple tart 3 hours earlier. The others, the ones who systematically swell, are the ones who will have the apple tart but won’t, under no circumstances, boycott the next lunch or dinner. You never know, in case war starts the next day, right.

Result being a huge difference on the scale.

Why this discussion? Because I was explaining to doctor Z that, lately, with these painful times and the somehow tense atmosphere at home afterwards, I have a few sweet-chocolate cravings. But, I mentioned proudly, I just baked madeleines and ate only a few.

I was expected to be congratulated, I was disappointed.

– Control is not what we are after. You won’t keep up in the long run. Why do we eat, according to you? Because of our physiological needs, of course. But also for the pleasure it gives us. Because chemically, sometimes, it helps restore balance in the brain. Then yes, you can, from time to time, tell yourself:  “life is crap, luckily there are chocolate éclairs”.

Thus my remark on the fact that I pay too expensive a price for deviations to allow myself some. And thus the dialogue I have reported above.

“When you really want a cake outside of meal hours, you must first stop for two minutes on the reason of this craving. If there is a different solution from food comfort, you might as well consider it. Then, if you really feel it’s a need, you can indulge. Being fully aware of what you’re doing. Choosing the right cake, because it might as well be perfect. Then you sit down, you look at it, and you s.a.v.o.r it. In general, the mere fact of concentrating on this moment of pleasure, to assess it, enable to be full sooner. Mainly, being aware of what you are doing means it is under control and not an urge”, he added afterwards.

Isn’t it great, knowing you can succumb without worrying yourself sick afterwards?

I was telling him, on the other hand, satiety remains my biggest problem now that hunger and I are hand in hand. So he gave me another exercise.

And believe me, that one rocks.

For four days, I must start my lunch with…

Maximum 100g of chocolate, milk or dark.

A slab, basically. Knowing that if I’m not hungry anymore after half the slab, I leave the rest. And I must wait for half an hour before eating something else. If I’m hungry, obviously. Why a snack one hour later? Because if I know I can’t have anything else before dinner, I will tend to finish the slab by fear of being hungry. While if I know I can eat in the afternoon, it will change the way I’ll enjoy the chocolate.

The goal of the exercise, apparently, is to notice that you can get rid of a chocolate craving rather quickly. And eating some everyday is probably the best way to stop the longing. According to doctor Z, the exercise ends in weight loss systematically. He even asked me to weight myself for the first time before and after the four days to check.

“If there’s no weight loss, or even gain, it will mean you have a hang-up. And it will be important information too “.

That’s it, basically, for that session, well, other things were told and heard but I keep them for myself.

Come on, have a great Monday, I’m off to buy some Milka.

I’ve been seeing this good doctor Zermati for two months. I haven’t had any other session since the one with the raisin, the last one had been canceled because of the GROS’ congress, an association created by Apfeldorfer and Zermati.

After eight weeks of therapy, here is a status.

– My crappy scale which always under-weight displays five kilos less. I have no idea of my real weight, but I don’t care, I know though that I’ve slimmed down, my clothes are a good indicator.

– Since a few days, people tell me spontaneously that I’ve slimmed down. What’s funny is that I haven’t lost much more than two or three weeks ago, but strangely, it’s more obvious. As it if a certain amount of time was required for your body to readapt its own contours.

– I don’t feel like I’m on a diet. Although, I eat less, it’s obvious. There’s no magic, it would be too simple if going to see a doctor was enough to slim down. As brilliant as the doctor might be.

– I manage to eat when I’m hungry, however I’m still not really connected to satiety.

– I handle very well “normal” everyday life, business lunches or endless dinner with friends are a bit tougher. I’m still very fragile in front of a bowl of sour cream and onion Pringles.

– I don’t feel obsessed by this therapy. I mean that, in general, when I stop smoking or start a new kind of diet, I want to talk about it, sometimes until people make me understand that yeah right I’m nice but… Now, if I’m been asked questions I will answer, but it’s rarely me who broaches the subject. I think it’s rather positive.

– I’m struggling a bit with “mindfulness” exercises which involve focusing, for a few minutes, on breathing or on the first bite of food. Basically, being aware of the present moment, without actually forbidding interferences, but attempting to come back each time to the focus subject. Doctor Z. always says “it’s not about trying to change your state, simply observe things and feel them”. It requires stopping life flow for a few moments and it’s not that easy. That said, lately, in the evening, in the tramway, I close my eyes and give it a try. It’s amazing how it helps getting your head straight. Like realizing the unpleasant words from this colleague don’t really deserve me getting all worked up.

– I’m under the impression that indeed I’ve slimmed down but something else is happening. My ultra-emotionalism for example that handicaps me rather seriously – my eyes get wet for any old reasons, all the more if a) I get a bit of attention, b) someone reproaches me, c) I try to get stuffs off my chest – seems to be more channeled. As if I were taking control again. The journey is long before the end of anxiety, but I don’t know, I feel… more self-confident. I mainly feel that the big cloud which was hiding my sun for the past months could really end up vanishing.

– I smoke again. It’s, I think, a negative point as if I were not able to stop a compulsion without starting all over again with another. That said, I had started again before therapy, but let say it didn’t make things better. In my opinion, when I was little, I missed something in oral stage. At the same time, I could as well have stayed stuck in anal stage, eh.

– I buy tones of clothes, my bank account melts faster than my butt’s fat.

– My socks are looser on my calves.

– My bras are less tight too.

– I don’t have heartburn anymore, probably because I eat less.

– I’m down by one size, I can now fit in a 44[1], even if it’s still slightly tight.

– My knees hurt less.

– Last time, I was carrying a pack of 5 liters of milk to the trolley, I found it was heavy. I realized that until not so long ago, I was continuously lifting those bottles. It’s normal that I feel lighter.

That’s it, may I add that I have no illusions, I don’t feel like I’ve signed a permanent contract with weight loss. I have to understand why eating is not yet harmless and instinctive. I need to learn to stop when I’ve had my fill. But well, I tell myself I’m on the right path with the right person.

Edit: Picture taken last summer on the beach, the cloud looked like a gaseous Pikachu and, when it vanished, it was rather incredible, this sensation of found again light…