“You are exposing yourself too much, be careful”.
It’s doctor Zermati who warned me on Monday. Wait, no value judgment in this warning, neither criticism of my articles about the therapy. No, what he wanted me to understand, is that giving here details on how many kilos I’ve lost wasn’t necessarily good for me.
Why? Because somewhat, I put myself under pressure. The pressure not to « deceive », to have to hold on absolutely, not to fail, in order not to then be ashamed and have to confess here that yes, I’ve put on weight again.
“I often saw more or less famous people who were supposed to lose weight for a brand of health food and whose weight loss became a selling point. They all ended up putting on weight again”, he added.
On the spot, I have to admit, I’ve been shaken. After all, I do what I want, and on this blog I’m used to telling everything, and I’ve also shown myself when I was bigger, and the idea is not to talk big, simply to share my experience. No, I’m not using it as a selling or communication point, rubbish man!
Excep that… hum.
Of course, I talk big.
Just like a kid who sports her hard fought medal, I gave in to temptation to pin up the lost fat on these pages. With great many flattering pictures and victorious announcements, minus one, minus two, minus three, minus ten, minus… stooooop.
That’s right, if I think about it, it puts me under pressure. Because putting on weight again would be, wrongly most probably, a failure. For sure. A failure all the more so stinging that it would be public and observed by all of you.
“I don’t wish you this at all, I even touch wood, but it’s possible that one day you will put on weight again. Even if you respect your food sensation for all your life, there are mainly external factors that can play de role. You could be forced to take medicines (antidepressant, anticancer or others which act on the metabolism), suffer from menopause’s hormonal effects and so on. On that day, will you be worth less?”.
Wow, then too, needless to say, I’ve been a bit shaken. Wait, I’m the perfect Zermati good student and here is what I receive? No but where are the gold stars, huh?
More seriously, I believe it’s the way to calm down my hysterical goose euphoria from being able to fit into a size 12 again.
Yes, it’s good, yes, it’s normal to be happy and appreciate yourself again. But no, over-highlighting this change in my figure is not good on the long term. Because it’s getting the idea into my head that gaining two kilos would be tragic. And the odds are that it wouldn’t be two kilos that would add up but ten more, as a result of stress and generated anxiety.
All these remarks, the doctor expressed them after reading my list of how I would feel if I were gaining weight again. It was clearly highlighted that, for me, obesity and self-esteem don’t get along so well (actually that’s not really a scoop, huh)
In other words, I have a slight tendency to consider myself as person with a higher worth when I slim down.
“What matters is not how other people look at you, you can’t do much about it. What matter is that you are convinced that you haven’t been fat during all those years because of a lack of will, weakness or lack of tenacity. Because, yes, I assure you, it has NOTHING to do with willpower. Actually too much will in those cases just damages the system a bit more.
To make a comparison, a goal keeper can stop one penalty. If twenty persons kick at the same time twenty balls towards the goal, he won’t be able to stop them all. It’s what happens with the urges to eat with people like you who suffer from a slight eating disorder. One urge to eat, you can, with willpower, stop it. Two, three, maybe, But if your brain sends 50 per hour, it’s impossible. Whether or not you are a stubborn person”.
He also explained the whole process of gaining weight over the years. It’s a bit complicated and tedious to explain, but if you are interested, I will try to express it with my words. But basically, what I remember, it’s that yes bitch mother nature. Or not actually, because according to doctor Z. I’d better stop moaning at her. Because I’m really lucky to have lost so much in so little time, it’s the proof my body is not completely damaged by all the diets I’ve put it through.
What I’ve retained too is that, unwillingly, I take the same malevolent look at me (and thus overweight people) than the boys who were bullying me at school when I was a child. And as long as I won’t stop despising this ingrate teenager, I will not move forward much. 10, 15 or twenty kilos won’t change it.
“In the street or elsewhere, when you’ll come across overweight people, look at them as they should be looked at. As people who are not to blame for those kilos, for which they are not responsible. It will be a good start “.
I left with those words and since Monday they are in my head. I don’t really feel like talking big anymore, I understood, I think, that the game is far far from being over. And I try to convince myself that, indeed, to see the scale’s needle going up again would noy be a proof that I’m worthless…
Edit: From now on, thus, I will keep talking about all this but without giving figures on my performance, which shouldn’t be considered as such.
Edit2: I think it’s obvious but I’d rather point it out, the words I report here are correct in their sense but I don’t take notes and so I write it with my style. Doctor Z. is kind enough to let me tell all this without ever judging or making a remark when I think he reads it, maybe not all but still. These texts are firstly my version of our discussion.
Edit3: I also want to add that I don’t tell everything from the sessions and each patient lives things in his or her own way. Each patient is different and what is true for me might not be for someone else…
Edit4: No, nothing.
Edit5: Yes, the picture is from a shooting from 3 years ago from a shampoo brand which wanted it likes all women, like Dove right. For those who are interested, I wrote about it here and there.
