Posts By: Aurélie

So what about those four days eating chocolate?

Hell.

Nah, I’m kidding I loved it.

Might be that it was not really the objective, but I have to confess that around 11h, knowing that my slab of Milka was awaiting… wasn’t worrying me, if I might use a euphemism.

However, however, how-e-ver.

I’ve never finished the said slab. And not because I was holding myself back. Just because, after half of it, frankly, it was really losing its appeal. Especially knowing 1) I would  have some the next day, 2) two hours later, in case of munchies, I could have a light meal.

As a result, I had a small bread on the first day, a mandarin on the second and a slice of ham on the third as a snack.

There was no fourth one because it was on the same day as a business lunch and I feel not everybody is ready to receive the Zermatian message. In other words, I have a reputation for being an oddball at work, I prefer keeping my experiments for myself, there is such a thing as too much eccentricity in the eyes of my colleagues.

Thus, I slightly distorted the exercise in my opinion, but proof that I’ve had my fill of Milka, since then, no piece has fallen in my stomach and I haven’t missed it at all.

Ok, I slightly moved on to a competitive stomach bug.

But still. Let me remind you that in London there are Cadbury at every corner and I didn’t even think of bringing some back.

And on the scale, what the result?

Almost one kilo less, I would say roughly (I don’t have those scales that give you not only your weight in micrograms but also your body fat percentage, your thigh size and your star sign) 800 grams

Sign, thus, that you can slim down while eating chocolate. That is, as far as I am concerned, the best news from the past ten years. Next to it, discovering temperate lakes on Mars seems to me a vacuity.

In short, that’s it, I progress little by little on a totally new path for me and I admit taking a lot of pleasure in it. I’ve lost almost seven kilos, it means in concrete terms that I’m losing my pants a bit, that heels are less hard to bear during a whole day, that my bras don’t give me the impression anymore that I have breasts in the back too, that I wear a stripped jersey – JPG please – which was a gift ten year ago but was more like a brassiere lately and that I’m that close to zipping  a Comptoir Des Cotonniers pants bought without trying it on, on a pure madness day in 1998 more or less (a size 16 that was lost in the shop and I couldn’t leave it behind, too cruel, poor thing others kept making fun of it). What’s nice actually it that this brand always has the same collection each year, almost, so it is roughly identical to the ones you see in their windows today.

I don’t feel happier with 7 kilos less, I’m still in the 7 something, men are not falling for me in the street, mine looks at me with appetite but it was already the case two months ago. On the other hand, I feel better physically, my knee cracks less when I climb stairs and I’m less out of breath when I walk. In bed, it has changed as well, let’s say that the warning light that usually blinks when he reaches the zone between below my breast and my pubis – “stoooooop, don’t touch my belly” – is now mysteriously switched off. And this, this feels great.

Edit: I’m not putting this picture for you tell me I’ve slimmed down, it’s just that sometimes I don’t really know how to illustrate an article, the chocolate slab is now boring and I like this stripped jersey, it’s one of my test clothe, you see.

Edit2: I don’t mean to say that I don’t like being told I’ve slimmed down, like all women it fills me up with happiness inside.

Edit3: Actually, you say what you want, right.

Edit4: the picture was taken with timer, camera sitting on a shelf, it was dark outside. It thus has reasons for being as it is, spare it.

Yesterday was my first “chocolate” day. Verdict? Knowing I could eat the whole slab radically pacified me. I respected Zermati’s instructions, namely tasting each piece, while taking the time to sit at a table. Well, as I was in a bar, I didn’t go as far as putting the whole slab in a plate as recommended. But I ordered a tea and I really thought of what I was doing, namely eating Milka – I know[1], it’s not the best for purists but I have a big soft spot for the blue cow – completely legally.

At the end of the first bar, light nausea, but not full. The second bar was less good, but still, this ‘taste of wishful come-back’ which we, sweet teeth, all have. Thus, bang, third bar. Plus two pieces for the road.

Result: half of the slab for my meal.

And huge thirst to get rid of this syrupy sensation in the back of my throat, this sugar overdose that irritate tonsils so bad it makes you cough.

Around 17h, I felt slightly hungry, one of my colleague, as thin as a rake and addicted to Swiss breads – an insult to healthy food – brought me a small muesli bread, I indeed wanted only something savory.

In the evening, a good slice of home-made spinach quiche and a piece of cheese on bread and off you go.

What do I retain from this?

That half a slab stayed in my bag for half a day and I didn’t even think of nibbling a piece. I who usually can’t help myself when any product made of more than 2% cocoa is within 1km distance, I FORGOT it was in my Marc Jacobs.

Yeah, I have a Marc Jacobs, I know, it sounds very blond slut to show off but I held onto it for 10 months before sharing my joy here, since it’s my Christmas present from 2008. Furthermore, it’s purple.

However, I’m not going to tell what’s in my Marc Jacobs, because even if I know you must always mismatch a luxury piece to be trendy without ostentation, I’m well aware that there is such a thing as too much mismatch. And no one advises to have, in your Marc Jacob, a dummy, wipes, dried milk from a bottle carried without its cap, mints breeding since six month at the bottom and so on.

End of the aside, today is my second chocolate day. That said, I have doubt as for the possibility to go on in unfazed conditions. No I mention it just like that but after Helmut vomiting 37 times during the bus trip Chatelet – Maison Blanche on Sunday, it’s Darling who has covered her wall for the whole night. According to my calculations, Thingy should barf on his teacher around 16h. The man is planned for Wednesday. As for me, with my crappy karma, I bet on the rear of the pack, on Friday, one or two hours before boarding to London.

Hey, didn’t I tell you? Next week-end, we are going to London for two days with my dear husband, Zaz and her tall Frédé.

Edit: I must be the only blogger going to London without being invited and thus paying for Eurostar and hotel nights. That takes nothing away from my excitement… to sleep for two night without hearing Helmut crying for her 5a.m. bottle. Actually, Cergy Pontoise would maybe have done the trick.

Edit 2: No, Helmut doesn’t sleep through the nights. Well, she did, I think. For about three weeks. She tries to beat a record I guess.

Edit 3: I have a feeling all this is disjointed, isn’t it?

Edit 4: Ok I have a Marc Jacobs AND I’m going to London, which make a detestable girl of me. But since one month all my family members have flu and stomach bug, it makes up for it, doesn’t it?

Edit 5: When I think I didn’t know what to write today.

Edit 6: Ok, I’m showing the inside of my bag, it’s a therapy. Shame inside me is supposed to help me fight my messiness.

Edit 7: It’s also to show the lining I love with luv. Green panther. From anyone else than Marc it’s kind of slutty. And there… it isn’t. Or maybe it is.

— There are some people who can eat cake as a snack simply to content their sweet tooth or because they need comfort and they don’t put on weight.

— It’s too unfair I get one extra bra size simply by looking at the cream puff.

— Eh. Why, in your opinion, some don’t put on weight even if they snack and some do?

— Hum… Because bitch mother nature?

— There we go, you are victim of a genetic conspiracy, maybe you even are Martian, aren’t you?

— You can laugh, it’s all fun and games. All I know is that all I eat makes me put on weight. When my friend Béa, for example, she has always been able to eat her own weight in chocolate and nothing moves. So if that’s not a proof, I’m willing to eat my bag.

This cordial and relaxed exchange happened during my last appointment, last Thursday, with mister Zermati. Who finally gave me the explanation for this scandal of which some of us are victims.

Why some can eat plenty pastries without any collateral damages and some others put on weight with a fat free yogurt?

Well simply because, those persons who don’t put on weight despite a good snack are regulated. Mister Z. means that those blessed people are actually capable of skipping a meal with no problem, simply because they are not hungry, because they had an apple tart 3 hours earlier. The others, the ones who systematically swell, are the ones who will have the apple tart but won’t, under no circumstances, boycott the next lunch or dinner. You never know, in case war starts the next day, right.

Result being a huge difference on the scale.

Why this discussion? Because I was explaining to doctor Z that, lately, with these painful times and the somehow tense atmosphere at home afterwards, I have a few sweet-chocolate cravings. But, I mentioned proudly, I just baked madeleines and ate only a few.

I was expected to be congratulated, I was disappointed.

– Control is not what we are after. You won’t keep up in the long run. Why do we eat, according to you? Because of our physiological needs, of course. But also for the pleasure it gives us. Because chemically, sometimes, it helps restore balance in the brain. Then yes, you can, from time to time, tell yourself:  “life is crap, luckily there are chocolate éclairs”.

Thus my remark on the fact that I pay too expensive a price for deviations to allow myself some. And thus the dialogue I have reported above.

“When you really want a cake outside of meal hours, you must first stop for two minutes on the reason of this craving. If there is a different solution from food comfort, you might as well consider it. Then, if you really feel it’s a need, you can indulge. Being fully aware of what you’re doing. Choosing the right cake, because it might as well be perfect. Then you sit down, you look at it, and you s.a.v.o.r it. In general, the mere fact of concentrating on this moment of pleasure, to assess it, enable to be full sooner. Mainly, being aware of what you are doing means it is under control and not an urge”, he added afterwards.

Isn’t it great, knowing you can succumb without worrying yourself sick afterwards?

I was telling him, on the other hand, satiety remains my biggest problem now that hunger and I are hand in hand. So he gave me another exercise.

And believe me, that one rocks.

For four days, I must start my lunch with…

Maximum 100g of chocolate, milk or dark.

A slab, basically. Knowing that if I’m not hungry anymore after half the slab, I leave the rest. And I must wait for half an hour before eating something else. If I’m hungry, obviously. Why a snack one hour later? Because if I know I can’t have anything else before dinner, I will tend to finish the slab by fear of being hungry. While if I know I can eat in the afternoon, it will change the way I’ll enjoy the chocolate.

The goal of the exercise, apparently, is to notice that you can get rid of a chocolate craving rather quickly. And eating some everyday is probably the best way to stop the longing. According to doctor Z, the exercise ends in weight loss systematically. He even asked me to weight myself for the first time before and after the four days to check.

“If there’s no weight loss, or even gain, it will mean you have a hang-up. And it will be important information too “.

That’s it, basically, for that session, well, other things were told and heard but I keep them for myself.

Come on, have a great Monday, I’m off to buy some Milka.

I’ve been seeing this good doctor Zermati for two months. I haven’t had any other session since the one with the raisin, the last one had been canceled because of the GROS’ congress, an association created by Apfeldorfer and Zermati.

After eight weeks of therapy, here is a status.

– My crappy scale which always under-weight displays five kilos less. I have no idea of my real weight, but I don’t care, I know though that I’ve slimmed down, my clothes are a good indicator.

– Since a few days, people tell me spontaneously that I’ve slimmed down. What’s funny is that I haven’t lost much more than two or three weeks ago, but strangely, it’s more obvious. As it if a certain amount of time was required for your body to readapt its own contours.

– I don’t feel like I’m on a diet. Although, I eat less, it’s obvious. There’s no magic, it would be too simple if going to see a doctor was enough to slim down. As brilliant as the doctor might be.

– I manage to eat when I’m hungry, however I’m still not really connected to satiety.

– I handle very well “normal” everyday life, business lunches or endless dinner with friends are a bit tougher. I’m still very fragile in front of a bowl of sour cream and onion Pringles.

– I don’t feel obsessed by this therapy. I mean that, in general, when I stop smoking or start a new kind of diet, I want to talk about it, sometimes until people make me understand that yeah right I’m nice but… Now, if I’m been asked questions I will answer, but it’s rarely me who broaches the subject. I think it’s rather positive.

– I’m struggling a bit with “mindfulness” exercises which involve focusing, for a few minutes, on breathing or on the first bite of food. Basically, being aware of the present moment, without actually forbidding interferences, but attempting to come back each time to the focus subject. Doctor Z. always says “it’s not about trying to change your state, simply observe things and feel them”. It requires stopping life flow for a few moments and it’s not that easy. That said, lately, in the evening, in the tramway, I close my eyes and give it a try. It’s amazing how it helps getting your head straight. Like realizing the unpleasant words from this colleague don’t really deserve me getting all worked up.

– I’m under the impression that indeed I’ve slimmed down but something else is happening. My ultra-emotionalism for example that handicaps me rather seriously – my eyes get wet for any old reasons, all the more if a) I get a bit of attention, b) someone reproaches me, c) I try to get stuffs off my chest – seems to be more channeled. As if I were taking control again. The journey is long before the end of anxiety, but I don’t know, I feel… more self-confident. I mainly feel that the big cloud which was hiding my sun for the past months could really end up vanishing.

– I smoke again. It’s, I think, a negative point as if I were not able to stop a compulsion without starting all over again with another. That said, I had started again before therapy, but let say it didn’t make things better. In my opinion, when I was little, I missed something in oral stage. At the same time, I could as well have stayed stuck in anal stage, eh.

– I buy tones of clothes, my bank account melts faster than my butt’s fat.

– My socks are looser on my calves.

– My bras are less tight too.

– I don’t have heartburn anymore, probably because I eat less.

– I’m down by one size, I can now fit in a 44[1], even if it’s still slightly tight.

– My knees hurt less.

– Last time, I was carrying a pack of 5 liters of milk to the trolley, I found it was heavy. I realized that until not so long ago, I was continuously lifting those bottles. It’s normal that I feel lighter.

That’s it, may I add that I have no illusions, I don’t feel like I’ve signed a permanent contract with weight loss. I have to understand why eating is not yet harmless and instinctive. I need to learn to stop when I’ve had my fill. But well, I tell myself I’m on the right path with the right person.

Edit: Picture taken last summer on the beach, the cloud looked like a gaseous Pikachu and, when it vanished, it was rather incredible, this sensation of found again light…

Friday was my Zermati day. Fourth appointment and not the least interesting.

We first discussed this experiment around the three hungers, small, medium and big. I shared my observations and conclusion:  before it’s time it’s too early but when the moment is passed, it’s passed. Answer from the doc: “we suspected that the medium hunger was the best, the important part is to now have the proof”

Afterwards we talked about the breathing question, and then, I admitted that if my body and I we start to be on the same wavelength with hunger, especially the right one, the one that makes you eat with pleasure but without stuffing yourself, on the other hand the “mindfulness” moments as he calls them, meh.

Basically, I couldn’t find the time. Unless I was lacking willpower. In fact, anyway, I must have done the exercise maximum twice without really feeling any benefit.

“It’s fine”, doctor Z reassured me, “You must know that mindfulness is the most difficult. It will take time for you to get there”

This is what I appreciate the most with this doctor. There are no reproach, no goals to reach, no weight control at each appointment. I was so used to remonstrance or reward sessions (in my opinion it’s the same actually) with previous nutritionists that I can’t get over the fact that I’m not in a perpetual exam taking mode anymore. It’s not about progression or successfully overcoming each stage otherwise you put on weight again immediately. And it’s, in my opinion, the central point of this therapy.  No figure to reach, no slimness promises, no speech on willpower or control, not forbidden food, no more or less 60 grams of bread per day. No red or yellow points, no nutrition lessons nor theories on proteins which make you lose fat but gain muscle.

Back to our subject.

So, for the breathing, I’ll have to persevere. Actually, we’ll put it aside to focus on a similar exercise which is savoring. To explain it to me the doctor asked me to close my eyes and relax. Then he put in my hand a small foodstuff of which I could appreciate the touch, then the sound it made when I rolled it in my hand, then the smell. Afterwards I could bring what proved to be a raisin to my mouth, roll it around my tongue and finally cut it with my teeth, extract its pulp to end up chewing and swallowing it.

All this without opening my eyes and trying to concentrate only on my olfactory, auditive and gustatory sensations.

“So, what happened?” asked doctor Z once the tiny raisin was eaten.

What happened? I wouldn’t really be able to explain it, an explosion of taste in my month which I couldn’t have felt if I hadn’t been so focused on it. The impression of having eaten more than only one raisin. The pleasure of pulp acidity on my taste buds.

That’s it, for the next two weeks the watchword is try to start each meal with three minutes of minduflness. It can be also during coffee, pay attention to the cup’s temperature, the drink’s exhalation, the warmth of the first sip. Let me tell you it’s not that easy. But for sure it saves you from rushing to food and triggers a process of salivation and savoring.

Otherwise, except this, I mentioned my difficulty to identify satiety, my tendency to stop ‘because I must’ rather than because I’m not hungry anymore. He confirmed that ‘because I must’ is no good because of control which is not perennial. But for now it’s fine too, we are not there yet, we haven’t started the work on emotions, everything in its own time. I’ve also asked if skipping diner after a big business lunch was a good or a bad thing. He answered that eating must be seeing like charging your phone. “Does charging your phone when its battery is not empty come to your mind? No. You usually wait for the indicator to blink. Your indicator is hunger. If don’t feel any symptoms, you don’t need to eat. Duly noted.”

That’s all for now.

My appointment with doctor Z. is in three days. And of course, it’s slightly chaotic when it comes to the exercises I was supposed to do for the past two weeks.

As a matter of fact, it’s chaotic when it comes to writing down my impressions. Because otherwise, I’m Madam Jourdain[1] of Zermatage, sort of.   For the record, I was supposed to experiment a big hunger, a medium hunger and a small hunger and draw conclusions. In fact, without really doing it on purpose, I’ve been drawn to knowing the three situations over the days. One day, a big hunger as a consequence of a very small breakfast and a lunch taken at 16h, thanks to news emergency which couldn’t wait. Another day, a medium hunger (lunch taken at 14h) and finally, a small hunger (a snack taken two hours after a light lunch).

No one will be surprised, in terms of price/quality ratio, the medium hunger was the most satisfying. What I mean is annoyances of a medium hunger are bearable (gurgling belly, light weakness) and the meal pleasure is real. Satiety comes relatively quickly and hunger signals disappear while you’re at it.

The big hunger is more complicated to manage. First of all, personally, after a while I get dizzy, sick and it’s hard for me to concentrate. Spread the word, I would have coped only half a day in the maquis and I have no future as hunger striker. Most of all, when I start my meal, I don’t really know what I want anymore, I eat from necessity more than pleasure and struggle to feel full. As for the impression of weakness, it lasts long after the meal, as if my body couldn’t restart the engine.

The small hunger, I admit I struggled to identify it, so I did as the doctor advised, namely I’ve eaten my lunch, normally, and I had a dessert two hours later. Yeah, so so, not very convincing let’s say I didn’t really appreciate the lemon tart in question since I’m now so used, for the past month, to allowing myself this kind of pleasure only on an empty stomach and when complaining of hunger.

I don’t know if these teachings are in the right direction, but I guess they are since, in my opinion, with food as with anything else, sobriety is good. Basically, waiting for hunger, yes, starving, no.

However the new age breathing exercises before the meals are a total failure, I never find the time. Helmut eats right before us, then we have to prevent her from having diner again with the rest of the family, after asking the twins twelve time to set the table, I’m finally stuck doing it myself and all this between  19h45 – time when I arrive – and 20h17 or so.

In short, relaxation, I couldn’t find a way to squeeze it in. Furthermore, just try to close your eyes to follow your breathing when you’re the happy owner of a fourteen months child very keen on taking advantage of the smallest inattention moment to a) dash to the stairs which she can climb up but not down, b) rework the living room electricity circuit, c) set the table on behalf of her older siblings, d) eat the hand sanitizer which is supposed to protect us from flue, e) reboot our Internet router.

Here you go, since I’ve started this therapy, I’ve lost a bit more than four kilos while eating a croissant in the morning and dessert at lunch. Better, during a party on Saturday evening, I didn’t get any urge towards roasted almonds and managed to eat only two gougeres – when my friend’s Audrey’s gougeres rock big time. Even better – yes it’s possible – I left without tasting the dessert nor giving a hard time to pistachios.

OK, when it comes to champagne I slightly drifted.

Sometimes, on Wednesday afternoons I have cravings. Sometimes, on Saturdays too. I feel that the battle is not won, serenity is only half settled in my plate. But let’s say I feel I’m on the right track. For now.

Edit: nothing to do with the subject but NEP – alias Nulle en Pseudos –‘s baby was born on Thursday. It’s weird because we don’t know each other in real life but I’m sincerely, truly sincerely happy for you, dear dear NEP. The best part? For the next season of Pop Star, you’ll be able to drink beers with us  Welcome on board, little Dou…

Friday was my third visit to Dr. Z.

Zermati for close friends.

For a start, I arrived without my notebook in which I was supposed to write down my impressions after my four days of half fasting.

You can say I accidently did it on purpose, except that, pardon me, but I had done my home work.

Luckily, this good doctor Z., not only doesn’t weight you every two weeks but also is not the kind who moans at you if you’ve forgotten his notebook. New gold star.

Anyway, I thus voiced my observations. They were the following

On the first day, I heroically held for two hours without my daily breakfast. Not without being very very scared to die. Then I had two croissants, aware that the second one was too much. However, I then waiting until 16h, until I was hungry again, to eat a tiny little gougère and a Madeleine. In the evening, a soup and straight to bed, around 22h.

Ok, I’m being told in my earpiece that I’ve lost about a hundred readers, my food diary being interesting only for me.

In short, without going into details, on the following days I postponed a bit more the time of my first meal and I settled for smaller snacks. I had confirmation that indeed when you are hungry, you don’t put on weight, as I didn’t deny myself what I wanted. I’ve also understood that you might as well not start your food day with a glass of wine, even less with people you barely know, it sucks.

I’ve also noticed that you stuff yourself less when you eat with the munchies, I couldn’t explain it, maybe simply because you physically feel satiety effects, because you were aware of being hungry.

Another teaching: I can live with half the calories intake I usually have.

Most of all, and it seems doctor Z considers it’s the most important, I enjoyed eating. I mean a pleasure not spoiled by culpability.

Conclusion, when you are hungry, you don’t blame yourself for eating. Thus you don’t put on weight.

After this short assessment, I still asked the doctor Z. “Tell me”, so I said looking like I’m no fool. “It’s all fun and games but I know myself. Right now, I manage to contain myself. No urges and when I get some I control myself. What will happen in one month? Or two? When all this will not be new anymore? Because I’m champion at stopping diaries after 10 days, keeping resolutions for one month only and sorting documents until I buy an archive box. In short isn’t your method too behavior based? (Meaning, when do we talk about my mother and how all this is her fault?)*”

Then, the doctor looked at me, not really duped, suspecting I barely know what behavior based methods are and someone must have prompted me this question.

And he replied, that indeed it’s only the beginning of the trip. To understand the urges, you must first identify them. To identify them, you must know when they come. And to know when they come, you must be able to differentiate from moment when you are really hungry. And thus, working on the concept of hunger is a start. But don’t panic, we’ll work on my emotions. I will not avoid it, even so.

When the word “emotion” is spoken, bam, it stings my eyes again.

It sounds promising.

Then, we went on to a new exercise, slightly new age. We will learn how to breathe, so he told me. And there he is, putting on my ear a sort of plier connected to a wire plugged to a computer.

Believe me or no, I and my big mouth – mainly in the corridor, the big mouth – I didn’t ask what it was for, I supposed I was enabling him to read my thoughts or something.

He asked me to close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing. To make it simple, I would say it looked terribly like a relaxation exercise, the ones who have gone through child birth preparation or practiced yoga will know what I mean.  As usual during this kind of ritual, he asked me to choose an enjoyable image while concentration of my breathing.

Then, huge panic, just like every time in such a case. Impossible to stick to only one enjoyable image. A bit like when you see a shooting start and you have some many wishes to make you end up not choosing and thus, phew, the star is already dead since thirty millions years and you are still hesitating  between winning the lottery, finding the love of your life or finding a vaccine against AIDS.

In short, finding my enjoyable image kept me busy. Initially I was in a calm sea in Corsica, then on a ski lift above immaculate slopes, then in my lover’s arms. And finally, I settled for Helmut’s face when she came out of my belly.

And bam, stingy eyes.

Right when the exercise is over.

“Are you OK ?” he asked with the voice of an health professional who can see you’re not so good.

“Perfect, it’s just the light burning my eyes”. Liar.

Hard work is needed around emotions, definitely.

Right, I’m going to cut it short because I’m beating records with this article, basically, this exercise of “full awareness”, is used to see how interferences pollute your attention which is supposed to focus on one single object. In that case breathing, but it could have been a pen.

Or maybe a dish with sausages and lentils.

Basically – but it’s not yet very clear for me, I’ll ask for an explanation next time, thank you staircase wit – , I think the idea is to manage to focus on your body and its sensations. Anyway, the instruction is to grant myself with three minutes of “relaxation – breathing” before meals. Let’s see if I manage. He added I could use it during anxiety moments.

Anxiety, anxiety, do I look like anxiety?

That’s it, he then gave me more home work, namely during the next two weeks experimenting a small hunger, a medium hunger and a big hunger. Take note of the impressions, annoyances and sensations during the meal. The goal being to find the “right” hunger, the one that combines small annoyances and satisfactions when you end it.

Because, thus, the goal, Doctor Z repeated, is not to get sick. He also added that a big hunger is often not easy to satisfy. When the moment has passed, it has passed and the body makes up for it.

That’s all folks for today

Edit: At the end of the consultation, I took my courage in my hands and explained I have a blog in which I sometimes talk about him. I added that if he has a problem with it, I would remove his name. He answered he is fine with it, given the time and energy he dedicates to defend his point of view, he isn’t going to deny himself the pleasure. I gave him the address, telling him it’s up to him, as I don’t mind him reading what I write about him, after all it’s the least I can do. He had that qualm to fear it would hold back my spontaneity. I pleaded that I’m talking here about things I would have never considered making the world wide web aware of. Even less my mother. In short, do as you please doctor.

Edit2: I’ve created a “Zermati and me” section so that you can find the articles easily, I don’t know if you were missing it, but in doubt…

Edit3: The enjoyable image I’ve put here is a picture taken clumsily by my kids on the day of our wedding, just before the party started. I like the end of day heat mist and its serenity. I like seeing my parents’ garden decorated for the occasion as best as we could. I like the memory of those perfect flowers, pampered by my mother for weeks so that they bloom exactly on the D day. Here is my enjoyable image, next I will not hesitate.

* Mum, I know it’s not all your fault, it just that a therapy during which you don’t criticize your mother is not really a therapy isn’t it?

I’m in the Thalys to Bruxelles…

Let’s hope my zermating will resist waffle smell in the station…

Flashback: on Friday, I experienced my first day without breakfast. Situation that happens maybe twice year, when I go for blood tests. Or the day after a C-section. If that. Let’s just say I was not overconfident. What if I faint on the way to school? What if my heart gives way? What if I suffer from an orphan disease that causes lower limbs paralysis in case of morning malnourishment?

Ok, now I know the answer to Dr. Zermati’s harmless question: yes, being hungry is scary.

As far as the reason of the fear is concerned, I admit that it is still a grey area. Right, shall I tell you about that crazy morning?

– 6h45: The alarm clock rings, I’m so happy, it’s time for breakfast.

– 6h46: My brain just connected. Actually it’s time to start fasting. I want to die.

– 6h47: Good news is I get an extra fifteen minutes’ sleep. On top of that, “he who sleeps forgets his hunger”, so it’s a good deal.

– 6h49: Am I starting to be hungry?

– 6h50: I will actually get up to check my weight, I feel Wi-Fi connected to my scale this morning, I must have lost one kilo simply by planning to skip a meal. Since slimming down comes from your mind.

– 6h51: Apparently my scale is not aware that slimming down comes from your mind.

– 7h02: What’s awesome with skipping breakfast is that I will enjoy being with my kids for fifteen more minutes. In a mother’s life, it’s no mean feat.

– 7h04: My daughter takes advantage of these fifteen minutes to share her qualms about her outfits. I sense we’ll live a true mother-daughter moment and I completely forget about my hunger. Slimming down does come from your mind!

– 7h05: In front of a packed wardrobe, my lovely daughter explains without a blink that she has nothing to wear. Reason given: you don’t wear skirts anymore in 4th grade. Only jeans. But her only pairs is dirty.

– 7h07: To my knowledge I bought a dozen or so pairs of jeans in the last six months, I kindly object. ‘Kindly’ because it is important to build relationships based on truth with your children. “Yes but only one of them is slim”. For sure, that is an issue I don’t have. All my jeans are slim. Even my harem pants are slim. I’ve made up my mind, I’ll also skip lunch.

– 7h08: I breath from my – empty – belly and suggest three different outfits to my daughter. But really, this bond we’re building is awesome. All this thanks to my dietary move. Honestly food is a waste of time and harms family harmony. I feel like writing a song right now.

– 7h09: None of the outfits I had put together with love pleases my daughter who stays in her panties sighting in front of her cupboard. She gives me a dismayed look at every suggestion. When I ask her, slightly on my nerves, what she would really like to wear so that I don’t waste my extra fifteen minutes playing fashion editor for nothing, she mumbles stuffs I don’t understand. Or maybe hunger made me death.

– 7h11: If I don’t eat sometime within a second I’ll have her swallow her dirty jeans.

– 7h12: I end up chucking out half of her clothes and giving up while explaining that I don’t want to start the day with a fight. I also warn that all skirts, dresses and leggings bought with the fruits of my toil will be, as soon as tomorrow, distributed to little girls who really need them. Carried away by enthusiasm, I also suggest that she changes house and mum if hers is not to her taste.

– 7h13: I’m super impressed, not eating doesn’t affect my self-control.

– 8h00: After forbidding my son to watch TV for the next two months because of crumbs on floor, grounding Rose until her legal age and starting a sex strike against my man without valid reasons for these last two punishments, I left unfazed for work. Not without stuffing my bag with snacks in case of a possible weakness on the way.

– 8h22: I’m extremely surprised, I manage to walk to the bus without collapsing. Could it be that I have reserves? I almost feel good even.

– 8h23: it may be the case that I am producing endorphins like marathon runners.

– 8h25: now for sure I’m slimmer, my body is burning calories like crazy. It makes feel so great that during lunch break I am of to Zara to try a size 10 carrot-pants.

– 8h29: I am right in the middle of a transcendental experience. In my opinion fast causes a chemical reaction in my brain. It’s as if I were floating on an ocean of happiness. I could conquer the world, without one single muffin. I am wondering if all that inside confidence isn’t a bit dangerous.

– 8h34: I feel sick. It must be a sign sent by my body. Luckily I am listening to it, poor thing. Now, it is a major situation. I might have a little snack. Especially, if you consider that I usually have breakfast at 6h45, you can say that I resisted a good lot. Willpower is everything…

– 8h35: Or maybe it is gastroenteritis.

– 8h37: Or maybe my body is getting purified. And I am that close to screw it all with my snack.

– 8h39: I am completely lost. It is hard to get to know hunger.

– 8h40: I put my snack back in my bag. I can hang in there, yes I can.

– 8h41: Maybe I’ll never ever feel like eating anymore.

– 8h43: I feel very close to Gandhi

– 9h00: I get to my office. I am wondering if the fact I am in touch with my inner self – and Gandhi as well – is showing on my face.

– 9h02: “You have flu or what? You look bad” asks the first colleague I come across.

– 9h05: Zermati forgive him, he doesn’t know what he eats.

– 9h10: I start working while eyeing the croissants I just bought for my meal which I’ll have when I’m really hungry.

– 9h13: I took two in case one is not enough but I am so in touch with my inner self that I’ll catch satiety after two bites. I should have taken a mini pastry, plus I hate wasting.

– 9h17: do shivers mean that my body is getting detoxified from food or am I that close from catalepsy?

– 9h23: Respect to all hunger strikers in the world.

– 9h27: I stumble to the toilet, just to double check that gastroenteritis thing in any case. Because of the sweats. And stomach cramps.

– 9h29: I want to eat toilet paper roll. I say it’s the beginning of hunger.

– 9h32: I’ll hold on until 10h, my honor is at stake.

– 9h46: how fast my metabolism must be going. For sure my enzymes must be tucking into my second layer of fat. Prada thigh boots here I come. What an amazing machine human body is when you think about it. You just need to let go and everything come back in order.

– 9h48: My mind is made up, I’ll have only half of a croissant, too bad for wastage. The worst part is that it’s not a matter of willpower, I just totally changed my relationship with food.

– 9h57: Which doesn’t actually mean I’ll let myself die.

– 9h59: Yet, eating only half of a croissant would be almost suicidal. I have kids, come on!

– 10h00: You don’t put on weight when you are hungry.

– 10h10: I am not far from satiety, I can feel it. But, I say, eating the second croissant will confirm it. Plus, I’ll eat again only when I’ll be again very hungry. Maybe it will be around 20h. Or even tomorrow. Come on I won’t be able to hang in there for 48h with only one croissant in the belly, right?

– 10h12: Even Gandhi would have gobbled up that second one.

– 10h14: It’s easy to listen to your body. Bring on the next hunger crisis, damn it!